Gimme a Bypass

When it comes to deciding on whether or not I should do something the metric I typically use is: would it make a good story. Such was the reasoning behind my decision to go to the Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Arizona.

My family and I were in the forty seventh state in order to attend my daughter’s gymnastics meet. We were part of a large group and as I’m sure the two of you reading this know, getting a large diverse group moving in any one direction is close to impossible: some prefer the Olive Garden while others wouldn’t even go into an OG to use the restroom, and instead want to survey what the local taco trucks have to offer. Our group was no different, and whenever it came time to discuss lunch or dinner there was a lot of hemming and hawing. The one exception was a dad – let’s just call him Steven – who consistently brought up the Heart Attack Grill as he’d seen it late at night on the Food Channel.

Most parents just smiled and moved on to other suggestions, I mean who could blame them why would a bunch of healthy folks want to go to a place that brags about how unhealthy its food is. Well I’d rode 113 miles two days before and had just run half a marathon in the desert so I figured I was due a little reward and volunteered myself up as a companion. The Heart Attack Grill now how can that not be a good story.

In the end I convinced my friend Keith, who also brought his son Kallen, to come with us in the Chrysler Town and Country. Melony, Sam and Sophia were also part of the group. Melony, Queen of the Navigators, was on the job and we drove lickety split to the place; Steven, on the other hand, fed with bad intel from Google maps was left circling a Home Depot parking lot.
The first thing I noticed about the place was the ambulance parked out in front. The second thing I noticed was the red and white sign declaring Caution This Establishment is Bad for your Health. The third thing I noticed was that our waitress was wearing red underwear. The wait staff were all decked out in skin tight nurses outfits that came just below the hips, black push-up bras and red underpants. Sam is in sixth grade and couldn’t take his eyes off of the floor, Kallen is in eighth and couldn’t take his eyes off of our waitress.

We finally managed to get six seats and upon sitting down we were each put into an open at the rear hospital gown and fitted with a hospital ID bracelet which declared I had a Bypass at the Heart Attack Grill. The Bypass refers to the Bypass Burger, you can get a Single, Double, Triple or Quadruple Bypass. The quad was two pounds of meat stacked twelve inches high. The menu was deliberately sparse: one of four burgers, fries dunked in lard, Mexican Coke (read made from sugar not high fructose corn crap) from a bottle, Pabst Blue Ribbon and filterless Lucky Strikes. I went for the single bypass and Coke. I rarely drink cola, or any soda for that matter, but Coke from a glass bottle is good, damn good, maybe that’s why they sell so much of it.

Keith is a good friend and a great bicycling companion, but he’s also a bit of a celebrity (I’ll let you figure out his idenity from the picture), and I noticed the minute we sat down that these two burly guys were eying him. Finally one spoke up and said, “you look familiar, how do I know you?” Keith was very gracious and introduced himself, he even took it one step further and had a long conversation with the two fellas. I thought that was very cool, I wonder if he took some kind of class on being cool to his fans, because it sure wouldn’t come naturally to me.

The food took a while and Melony and Sophia were getting antsy. Luckily some sinewy older guy, a man who had obviously worked hard out of doors his entire life, approached Mel and complimented her on how well behaved her children were – technically the compliment was mine, but I let her have it. All I could think of was “thanks old man; that got me one step out of the doghouse.”

Finally the food did arrive, nothing worthy of the Food Channel, but it looked edible. The single was more than enough and it nearly slid out of my hand when I picked it up – Keith later pointed out that they dip the buns in molten lard. Mel and Sophia split a burger and then split themselves leaving us men folk to gawk and pose for photos.

The two things I learned about going to the Heart Attack Grill are either come hungry or come fat. If you eat the Quadruple Bypass you get a free wheelchair ride to your car and if you weigh over three hundred and fifty pounds you eat free – no sharing.

After lunch we grabbed a Starbucks to cut the grease and while we were in line Keith sent a tweet: “went to the Heart Attack Grill, good burgers great buns.”